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 My story to "sway" the judges yes or no

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Ted

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PostSubject: My story to "sway" the judges yes or no   Fri Jun 13, 2008 11:02 am

This is the opening for my book that I'm writing at the moment xD

This is copyright of Eddie James©


A hooded figure swept through the city of Hamerdone unnoticed, his cloak trailing behind him as he slipped through the dark alleyways
The man looked up at the slowly darkening sky. He shivered as a cold wave of wind ruffled his cloak, he pulled it tighter around his chest.
“Gomen?” he jumped as a familiar voice called to him “Gomen, is that you?”
Gomen peered behind him.

“Yes,” Gomen hissed “Will you please keep it down Fenly? You know what they’ll do if they find me!” Fenly hastily apologised before smiling slyly.
“I knew those Sorcerers couldn’t keep you out. How did you get past the gates though?” Gomen couldn’t believe his ears.
“How do you think I got in? I obviously didn’t just walk in with a ‘how are you today’ did I. Come on Fen, give me some credit. You know what we are, why don’t you use that thick skull of yours?”
Gomen brushed the dust of a low wall before sitting down.
Fenly looked hurt and offended, but he sat down next to Gomen and sighed. Gomen knew what was coming.
“Do you remember what I said to you on your first lesson with me?”
“Yes,” Gomen muttered.
"Then stick to the rules. You know as well as I do that they'll execute you without a moment’s hesitation."
“Why should I listen to you? I don’t know if you remember but you left me to the mercy of the sorcerers in that prison!” Gomen looked away.
“That was different, I didn’t have a choice. You know full well that I would have saved you if I could.”
“Oh, I’m not listening to this.” Gomen stood up and brushed the dirt of his cloak, and began to walk away.
“Don’t you dare walk away from me!”
Gomen heard Fenly mutter a curse as he threw his arms forward and an invisible force started to drag him back to Fenly.
“Release me at once you murderous lunatic!” Without a moments hesitation he shouted the curse and watched his old master slam in to the wall. He used this opportunity to turn and run.


Like it? xD


Last edited by Rockstar on Sun Jun 15, 2008 4:14 am; edited 2 times in total
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Swolfe
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PostSubject: Re: My story to "sway" the judges yes or no   Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:28 pm

Aight *rubs hands together* Let's edit this, shall we?

Quote :
A hooded figure swept through the City of Hamerdone unnoticed
The 'C' in 'City' does not need to be capitalized.

Quote :
A hooded figure swept through the City of Hamerdone unnoticed, his cloak trailed behind him as he slipped through the dark alleyways as night slowly approached the city.
This sentence can either be done like "A hooded figure swept through the city of Hamerdone unnoticed, his cloak trailing behind him as he slipped through the dark alleyways..."

OR "A hooded figure swept through the city of Hamerdone unnoticed . His cloak trailed behind him as he slipped through the dark alleyways..."

Quote :
The man looked up at the slowly darkening sky. He shivered as a cold wave of wind ruffled his cloak. He pulled it tighter around his chest.

This sounds a little choppy. Try making two of the sentences into one with a comma.

Quote :
“Will you please keep it down Fenly, you know what they’ll do if they find me!”
There should be a question mark after 'Fenly' and so the 'y' should be capitalized.

Quote :
“I knew those Sorcerers’ couldn’t keep you out. How did you get past the gates though?”
No apostrophe after Sorcerers. Also, I don't think the 'S' is supposed to be capitalized, but it depends on if Sorcerors is the name of a guild/group/gang/etc.

Quote :
Gomen couldn’t believe his ears.
“How do you think I got in? I obviously didn’t just walk in with a ‘how are you today’ did I. Come on Fen, give me some credit. You know what we are, why don’t you use that thick skull of yours?”
Hm, I just found this a little odd as it didn't sound like Fenly wasn't giving him credit. But I can't really tell what kind of person Gomen is in this short passage, so I can't really say.

Quote :
Fenly looked hurt and offended, he sat down next to Gomen and sighed.
I think you should put a 'but' after the comma or some other word of that sort or maybe even change the comma into a period because otherwise it's a run-on sentence.

Quote :
“Yes” Gomen muttered.
You're missing a comma after 'Yes'.

Quote :
"Then stick to the rules, you know as well as I do that they'll execute you without a moments hesitation."
Change the comma after 'rules' to a period, capitalize the 'y' and 'moments' is supposed to be 'moment's'.

That's all. This story sounds very interesting. Is it a passage from the book you're writing?

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Last edited by Soul on Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:34 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: My story to "sway" the judges yes or no   Fri Jun 13, 2008 11:39 pm

well... soul did most of my work for me... but... I still have a thing or two to say...

slow down in the beginning... you want to introduce everything or nearly everything here; like the political situation, character's looks, scenery, etc... whatever will be important to the story later on...

from the dialogue in the beginning of your story... it seems more like Gomen is the leader, not Fenly... but if Fenly was Gomen's teacher... then Gomen should speak with a little more respect...

then there's also one more little thing... Gomen never sat down... how could Fenly sit next to him then? Wink

allright... you have my three comments... as well as soul's grammar and spelling advice... hope to see more of this story soon... Wink

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PostSubject: Re: My story to "sway" the judges yes or no   Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:24 am

By the way soul you spelt cloak, like cloack, xD
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PostSubject: Re: My story to "sway" the judges yes or no   Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:28 am

OK I have edited the story and added more. I hope you like it!!
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PostSubject: Re: My story to "sway" the judges yes or no   Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:37 am


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