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 Story in Progress... Constructive Critism wanted

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PostSubject: Story in Progress... Constructive Critism wanted   Sat Nov 15, 2008 5:42 pm

This is a beginning /spoiler to my story/novel I'm writing and thinking of publishing. I'm 13, and I enjoy reading, writing, drawing with a tablet, working for two pet sites as an artist. I was kind of influenced (?) by dreams and reality so I've decided to write a story about it, titled: Dream Portal.

When I began writing short stories when I was 9 or so, I hardly finished writing them. Mostly, I became more interested in short story writing when I was in Grade 6. We had a 15 minute silent writing thing and it was the best time for me to think of plots and characters :3


Anyways, here is the excerpt to my novel. Constructive critism is prefered as I would love to improve my work.

[center]

Dream Portal
Chapter One/Prologue



It was dawn. Light shone through the stained glass in the forlorn tower. The aftermath of the spring flash storm faded into nothing; all that were left were sparkling raindrops on the windows. A light flickered in the remorse black-stoned tower. A candle-light, it seemed. A closer look showed a man bent over a table, frowning at a piece of ancient parchment. Stacks of yellowed paper and forgotten books cluttered his workspace, which was a wooden table.


He blinked tiredly and set the parchment roughly on the table. Yawning, the black-haired man rubbed his amber eyes. He’d been awake throughout the night, listening to the raging storm. Now, he stood up and collapsed into bed. He doused the candle which enveloped the room in utter darkness. Although it was dawn, the sunlight was not enough to brighten the room so parts of it were completely dark. He didn’t mind – he was too exhausted to even think about the clues he deciphered. His vision became vague as tiredness overpowered his senses. He sighed contently and stretched his arms behind his head, and slept soundly, his soft snoring unheard.

*~*~*~*

A world away; a 16 year old teenager slept. Her clock read 1:13 am, and nothing could disturb her comfortable… rest. Snuggled deep into her blankets, she blinked her eyes furiously, trying to make her eyes open up from the dark nightmare she was experiencing.

In her dream, she was standing in a grass field as winds picked up, whipping her black-red hair back from her face. The wind stung her eyes, making those sapphire blue eyes shine with tears. Thunder clouds rolled in from the west, past those impenetrable mountains bordering the west and the freezing north. Then the rain began to fall. It was that kind of rain: ice cold, freezing rain that burned her cheeks like fire. Curiously, she knew she had the same dream before – but when she couldn’t tell.

Then a bolt of lightning flashed through the sky, and for a second, she could see an inconspicuous person standing at about six feet away from her. His hair was twisted around his face like white strands of snakes, and his closed eyes seemed to warn her of danger. A smirk could be seen on his face, tilted towards the right of his scarred cheek. The crude x-shaped red and purple scar tore a bit, and blood welled up. Some trickled into his lips. The girl could hear a deep chuckle, and suddenly, his eyes opened: blood red and demonic.

The girl stumbled back in shock, her eyes never leaving the person’s. The person thrust his black leather glove into the air, and did a wide arc-swing towards her. Light danced around the girl; bolts of electricity and lightning hit the ground and making smoke water her eyes. The bolts kept coming closer and closer. If she could see it from a bird’s eye view, she would be able to see the curious, yet deadly, insignia being etched forever into the ground around her. Sadly, she was not.

The girl wondered how long the lightning and electricity will take for them to hit her… until a shadow slammed into her and protected her from the everlasting danger. She contacted wet grass and mud, and a person on top. Queerly, the noise of the thunder had dissipated and there was a familiar trickle of water.

The girl opened her eyes and she saw her familiar bedroom, from the bottom-up. Lying on the bed, she could see her vision adjusting to the darkness of her room. She sighed in content when she saw her clothes piled up by her closet and her wardrobe cluttered with facial products. But, she coiled back in shock when she saw a figure lying face down by her side, breathing evenly, yet troubled.

It was a boy in his late teens, his blonde hair covering his face. His clothes are the most awkward: black leather baggy pants, a cream colored old-fashion tunic, and a midnight blue cape. He wore golden sandals, protecting his calloused feet. The boy stirred, turned around, and propped himself upright by his elbows. His black eyes’ gaze was filled with curiosity as he took in his surroundings. Finally, his eyes settled onto the girl herself.

They looked at each other for a moment, and then the boy stood up, stretching his arms high and then rubbing his eyes. The girl stood up carefully. (It wasn’t usual for someone to get teleported from one’s dream to the real world, she thought). After a moment of awkward silence, the boy murmured:








And sometimes later. (I write in random orders, depending on the ideas I think of)

*insert ten something chapters here*



Part Two

Arrival


The huge double doors swung open, revealing the throne room with glistening chandeliers hanging from all across the wide, rectangular room. In the throne room there were tables covered in white cloth set across the width of the room, making a narrow passageway to the ominous empty golden throne.

Behind the throne were paintings of great kings and queens, paintings of marvelous swordsmen, knights, and spell-casters. As Megan-Ryvien entered the room with Liam in the lead, she grasped in all the wondrous furniture of the Caer-Nyrem. When they had set foot upon the Meldthorn province, they could both see that the province prospered due to the fact that Meldthorn was the main trader-province with Myre’s, a species of wolves’, fur-pelt.

The Myre’s pelt was a much-sought after treasure by hunters: its fur gleams purple in the moonlight, and shines blinding sapphire blue in the sunlight. Red tips of the fur gleamed in both situations, and some rumors have spread that it even glows the colors of the rainbow when the rain falls and illuminates the pelt. They were nearly hunted into extinction, until Kyresh, the king of Meldthorn, took the Myres to a reservoir surrounded by magical barriers –created by the Loriden the Mighty himself – and forbid anyone to hunt those majestic beasts until their population rose.

Loriden. Ryvien (from now on, Megan will be known as Ryvien), had desired to meet this spell-caster and knight ever since Liam told her about him… about his deeds to Meldthorn, which was leagues away from Qentius, his birth-land. As Ryvien’s mind drifted onto her lessons on Lerondellian history taught by High-scholar Liam, she followed Liam’s actions and sat down beside him on marble-bronze chairs adjacent to the king’s throne, facing a woman sitting by an empty chair.

A loud cong sounded and vibrated throughout the vast throne room, and possibly into the other places in the palace as well. Slowly, one by one, other men and women filled the room, sitting at tables. They were probably waiting for the king himself as we are, thought Ryvien.

Just as she had that thought, the king strode in, accompanied by his daughter and advisors. They all dressed in expensive clothes trimmed with pure-gold thread. The king himself was grandeur: his features young…yet he somehow had much more years of experience as to be a leader of the Meldthornians. His cloak of midnight-blue dyes stood out from the golden threads. As he continued and finally sat down on the throne, his daughter took her place standing beside him.

From her view, Ryvien could see the he was a new king, possibly chosen just months away from her arrival in Lerondelle. His blonde hair was neatly tied back into a short ponytail, and his joyful amber eyes betrayed nothing but his excitement for Liam to return, and bring the prophesized person in the ancient Lerondellian chronicles. Kyresh, the king, fixed his sight on Ryvien: his gaze penetrated deep into her own, and she willed herself not to look away and admit that she, herself, was weak.

Soon, Kyresh dropped his gaze and stood up and was about to give a speech when a man rushed into the throne room, gasping for breath.







List of Characters

Names (c) by me, please don't steal/use them unless you tell me first ;p



Megan: main character; also known as Ryvien in Lerondelle’s ancient history and book of prophecies; destined to defeat the Lord of Knightmares and Dreamless Sleep with the help of four trusted companions. Comes from Earth, and sees Liam for the first time one day during summer; goes with him back to Lerondelle to conquer the evil rising.

Liam: messenger of Lerondelle, and a high scholar on both past and present histories about Lerondelle; first person to be able to decipher the ancient prophecy concerning Megan; also the first person to be able to travel between worlds and back. Very good at directions, map-reading, and foreign languages.

Loriden: mighty spell-casting knight whose faithful companion is a dragon; created the barriers around the Myran Reserves. Heir to the throne in Allyria; has a twin brother who was taken to Earth against his will and left there to fend for himself all because of the prophecy. Very wise, charming, and powerful; he is not a person one should mess with, both in terms of magic and sword-skills

Kyresh: current king of Meldthorn and one of the last defending leaders of Lerondelle against Lord (of Knightmares and Dreamless Sleep) Khaoxyn.
Validence: high advisor to Kyresh; follower to Khaoxyn; also known as one of the Darkest Ilxyor, a group of religious people who follows Khaoxyn. He tries to turn Megan against her true purpose in Lerondelle; he tries to make her one of the Ilxyors.

Zerie: Rosa’s accomplice; an assassin bent on Megan’s downfall. She’s a highly-trained assassin with stunning speed and nimble hands at breaking open locks; part of the Darkest Ilxyor along with Rosa.

Elyon: blacksmith of Meldthorn who accompanies Megan, Liam, and Loriden on their journey; only came because of the large reward Loriden was offering. Very skilled in forging, he is a companion everyone wants; he makes the shining white sword that Lysheren, a mighty warrior, had wielded.

Abigail: Megan’s closest friend who is a healer in Lerondelle; also her classmate on Earth who knows Liam’s purpose when she saw them together. A very gifted healer, Abigail is able to bring people back from the dead if she wishes, or wield both powers of light and dark for either good or evil. Another victim of the Darkest Ilxyors.

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PostSubject: Re: Story in Progress... Constructive Critism wanted   Sun Nov 16, 2008 4:47 pm

Hiya. Welcome to Zerapia. Good luck with writing your novel... I guess I'll do some edits and whatnot.


Quote :
The aftermath of the spring flash storm faded into nothing; all that were left were sparkling raindrops on the windows.

I don't think you need a semicolon there. I think you can just use a period. *not sure* Also, it should be "All the was left were..."

Quote :
A light flickered in the remorse black-stoned tower.

Remorse is a noun. Try using remorseful.

Quote :
A candle-light, it seemed.

You don't need the '-' there.

Quote :
Now, he stood up and collapsed into bed. He doused the candle which enveloped the room in utter darkness.

This may just be me, but this seems kind of out of order. Wouldn't he douse the light first and then collapse on his bed? >.>

Quote :
His vision became vague as tiredness overpowered his senses.

This is probably just me again, but I'm not sure 'vague' is the right word to use there.

Agh... I have to go right now, actually. I'll try to finish edits and suggestions etc later... For now I have homework that I completely forgot about. *sigh* It's quite likely I'll completely forget about this because, well, i forget everything, so if you don't see anythign added to this in a few days, send me a friendly reminder by bumping this board or by PM.

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PostSubject: Re: Story in Progress... Constructive Critism wanted   Mon Nov 17, 2008 10:00 pm

Thanks Pheonix - I'll edit the story soon. I actually wrote a bit more... going to post it later on.

My parents keep telling me I have to work on grammar, so I'll double check my work soon. Will re-edit sometime tomorrow :3
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PostSubject: Re: Story in Progress... Constructive Critism wanted   Mon Nov 17, 2008 10:43 pm

did chap/part one or whatever... I'm rather tired so I probably misspelled a few things in all this... even if I was awake I suck at spelling anyway... overall I'd say you've done very well (keep in mind I only read the first part)... the dream sequence was rather nice and entertaining... I'll reread it again tomorrow to comment more on characters/plot... anyway... general corrections I spotted:

Quote :
Stacks of yellowed paper and forgotten books cluttered his workspace, which was a wooden table.
which was a wooden table unnecessary, or needs to be better placed.

Quote :
Now, he stood up and collapsed into bed.
need more here... he simply didn't stand then collapse directly into bed... most likely walked some...
Quote :

He doused the candle which enveloped the room in utter darkness.
enveloped may be the wrong word... either way the sentence seems off to me...

Quote :
Although it was dawn, the sunlight was not enough to brighten the room so parts of it were completely dark.
run on sentence...

Quote :
He didn’t mind – he was too exhausted to even think about the clues he deciphered.
prior sentence talked about sunlight... you need to tie that in in such a way as to have this make a bit more sense...

Quote :
Her clock read 1:13 am, and nothing could disturb her comfortable… rest.
the triple period is not necessary here...

Quote :
Snuggled deep into her blankets, she blinked her eyes furiously, trying to make her eyes open up from the dark nightmare she was experiencing.
verb confusion here... you need to make all the verbs the same tense...

Quote :
The wind stung her eyes, making those sapphire blue eyes shine with tears.
the latter part of the sentence seems a bit off to me...
those sapphire blue eyes feels like the wording is wrong there...
Quote :

Thunder clouds rolled in from the west, past those impenetrable mountains bordering the west and the freezing north.
once again... those seems to be the wrong word for the sentence...

Quote :
Then a bolt of lightning flashed through the sky, and for a second, she could see an inconspicuous person standing at about six feet away from her.
you follow this with a pretty detailed description... if the main character is payin this much attention to the man... then he isn't inconspicuous...

Quote :
Some trickled into his lips.
some what? you need to tie this into the previous sentence a little better...

Quote :
The girl could hear a deep chuckle, and suddenly, his eyes opened: blood red and demonic.
blood red has a hyphen in between I believe...

Quote :
Light danced around the girl; bolts of electricity and lightning hit the ground and making smoke water her eyes.
and making is incorrect... either a comma or some other way to combine that part is needed to have the sentence flow better...

Quote :
Sadly, she was not.
this is an unnecessary addition...

Quote :
The girl wondered how long the lightning and electricity will take for them to hit her… until a shadow slammed into her and protected her from the everlasting danger.
take for them to hit is worded oddly... probably a better way to say that...
her... until you normally want to avoid using triple periods... either start a new sentence or find a different way to combine the two sentences...
everlasting danger don't need that adjective there...

Quote :
She contacted wet grass and mud, and a person on top.
contacted is a strange word to use here... find a better verb...

Quote :
Queerly, the noise of the thunder had dissipated and there was a familiar trickle of water.
comma between dissipated and and...

Quote :
She sighed in content when she saw her clothes piled up by her closet and her wardrobe cluttered with facial products.
run on sentence... also need another comma before the and...

Quote :
But, she coiled back in shock when she saw a figure lying face down by her side, breathing evenly, yet troubled.
don't begin sentences with buts... until you're famous it's not exactly acceptable... rofl!
if the figure's breathing is troubled... then they're not exactly breathing evenly...

Quote :
It was a boy in his late teens, his blonde hair covering his face.
covering should be covered I believe...

Quote :
His clothes are the most awkward: black leather baggy pants, a cream colored old-fashion tunic, and a midnight blue cape.
are the most awkward is worded incorrectly... something can't be more awkward (unless you're comparing something)...
in the latter part... it seems like you have one too many adjectives and what not... might be wrong though...
Quote :

He wore golden sandals, protecting his calloused feet.
the wording seems off...
Quote :

The boy stirred, turned around, and propped himself upright by his elbows.
on his elbows I believe is the correct wording...

Quote :
His black eyes’ gaze was filled with curiosity as he took in his surroundings.
wording is wrong... "His black eyes were filled with curiosity..." would sound better I think...
Quote :

They looked at each other for a moment, and then the boy stood up, stretching his arms high and then rubbing his eyes.
run on sentence...

Quote :
The girl stood up carefully. (It wasn’t usual for someone to get teleported from one’s dream to the real world, she thought).
normal person wouldn't react this way... neither would the boy unless he's used to such strange occurences...

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